BREAKING NEWS: Orland Park swimmers flee pool in squeamish panic

BREAKING NEWS: Orland Park swimmers flee pool in squeamish panic
By Ray Hanania

(Orland Park, Sunday June 1, 2008) – Swimmers enjoying the first real summer-like Sunday rushed out of the waters of Orland Park’s Centennial pool in a panic Sunday after what appeared to be an attack of “Baby Ruths.”

No injuries were reported, but the Orland Park pool was evacuated immediately.

Witnesses said that around 4:48 PM, as the Ed and Patsy Bruce Country music favorite “Mama Don’t Let Your Children Grow up to be Cowboys” was playing on the pool intercom system, a swimmer saw the shadow of the frightening image floating around in the “children’s section.”

Orland Park lifeguards acted quickly and ordered swimmers to flee the pool as other lifeguards braving the shocked gasps of nearby swimmers, cordoned off the section of water with chaise lounge chairs.

One witness said she was in shock. “This doesn’t happen in our neighborhood? My gosh!”
Another witness told this reporter, “Why do they have to call them Baby Ruths? I like Baby Ruths. Why can’t they call them Clark Bars? I don’t like Clark Bars.”

In fact, many witnesses stared at the cordoned off section of the pool in disbelief. “I’ve been through many evacuations at the pool. A lightening warning. They have a light for that. Thunder storm warnings. They use the same light. We’ve never had a Hurricane or Cyclone alert. Why no special alarm for Baby Ruth sightings?”

The pool was immediately evacuated of all its swimmers and closed for the remainder of the evening. “Baby Ruth” counselors were reportedly called in and made available to any families who might have suffered shock. It was even rumored that pamphlets were distributed that listed Comcast Cable TV showings of Harold Ramis’ 1980 movie “Caddyshack” as a part of the post-traumatic shock information campaign.

People who looked like pool officials said, “Baby Ruth attacks happen occasionally. This is the first one this season.”

According to other sources, “Baby Ruth” attacks happen quite often.

“I remember back in 2000 odd 2, we had a string of attacks,” one elderly swimmer with his swimsuit drooping down his backside remarked.

Health officials say pool operators have only one choice when a “BR” attack occurs: “Close the pool, period!”

No one was available from Orland Township to provide health guidance.

The Orland Park Centennial pool combines the baby swimming area with the adult swimming area in a “zero depth” setting. It was expected to be cleaned, sanitized and refilled with fresh water and readied for re-opening Monday morning.

In other news, the pool raised its fee for non-residents and non-season pass holders to $12 per day. Residents without a season pass pay $6 per day or $3 after 5 PM.

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